


The blossom will pass and so will everything else

by LesnaVra



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Broken Zura, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Ginzura - Freeform, Joui 4, Mental Anguish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 10:43:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18313886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesnaVra/pseuds/LesnaVra
Summary: Recent events have hit Katsura Kotarou's harder than he expected. He feels he's about to fall apart, yet maybe his bad days will pass too.Some Joui 4 things.





	The blossom will pass and so will everything else

Ah, the sun could be so bright... and grass could be so green, especially where moistness glistened at the edge of light and shade. Ume trees started to blossom white, their petals ruptured by the wind, danced like snowflakes. His eyes, unused to colors, devoured the scene unwinding before him.

One flower fell on Kotarou's glove-clad hand. Before he gathered the courage to grab the petal in his fingers, it flew away to explore the world to the fullest before its petite life comes to its end.

He was finally free, but... he couldn't name that feeling. He was like this white dust, hardly keeping together, knowing that the lightest breeze would dispelled him into million pieces.

How could the sky possess the most intense hue of blue, how could such color exist? Was two weeks of grayness enough to forget that palette? How could a soul be so fragile?

Everything had ended. He had won, his people rescued him. His body almost healed. He was able, he was strong, resilient - at least he was supposed to be! Yet, anxiety walked beside him, day by day, hour by hour, wherever he went.

 

His men celebrated getting their leader back and conquering the enemy group. He... did a decent job, after all he drew up a good ad hoc plan and delivered the final blow to his opponents, securing victory and his image as a competent general. He won, yet he was lost. He wanted to share patriots' carefree joy, but at most he found within him just an ecstatic surprise at the world around him. It was bitterly pleasant in a way but not happy feeling at all. He kept staring with his big hungry eyes, kept wondering, because he couldn't truly trust in what he was seeing. Because he didn't belong there anymore, to the realm where such ideas as beauty and kindness blossomed. How could such a pure world exist at all? It was beyond his comprehension.

He wasn't able to be around his men for long, so he left the feast as soon as he showed up. Joui patriots were emotionally too draining -  happily seeking attention of their competent leader, who Kotaro definitely wasn't at that moment. That was a facade. The rest on the park bench was supposed to calm his nerves. Yet, he ended up with well-known gulp in his stomach and the heart caught in anxious grip. He got up and marched away, hoping that physical movement would bring his mind a respite.

No man truly knew his limits until he reached them, huh? The most absurd thing was that his mind decided to freak out only now, when he was safe, just like a delayed ignition bombs going off when everything was already done, sowing pointless havoc. He put his hands in the haori sleeves, grabbing himself by the elbows and caressing the skin, fully aware how pathetic this self-comfort was.

 

Kotaro had ambiguous feelings about his tiny flat. When out, he counted down the time to when he could finally hide in the well known walls. When in, the silence and emptiness overwhelmed him. He had ambiguous feelings about Elisabeth too. It was her presence that made the stay at home bearable, and he was awfully grateful that she had come into his life, yet the never voiced questions from the quiet creature lingered heavily in the air. Hopefully or not she was carried away with joui work, tending the matters he didn't have heart to do himself now.

He had lost after all. Had lost his confidence, his pride, will to fight  and soon he would lose his astute mind and then he would lose everything. It was so easy to break a human. He couldn't comprehend why. He was through so much worse during the war. Was this 10-years delayed blow too?

There was an e-mail waiting for him from an unknown address, yet very known somehow.

" _You've grown too soft_." it read. " _Need some help in dealing with your enemies? I'll be my pleasure to destroy them for you, Zura. Take care, or I'll take over your men_." He kept reading it again and again, his mind finding respite in the old memories he shared with the sender of the mail. This evening he fell asleep at ease.

 

He was slowly coming back to his work, again awfully grateful to fate that he had a "job" to which he could return, into which he could throw his attention. But anxiety still lurked behind the corners, stealing his energy, his thoughts, his wits.

 

The park burst in white and pink, sakura joining ume trees, before he even noticed.

 

Kotarou lay on his futon, waiting only for the time to pass, hoping for sleep that would take away his fear that felt as if rooted into his very awareness. He put his arms around himself, pathetically caressing his hairs, his cheeks. Elisabeth was quietly bustling around the flat, respecting the closed doors to Kotaro's bedroom. Neon lights gushed in through the blinds, city pulsing with night life, contrasting with the malaise inside.

 His phone started vibrating and at least it set his mind a goal to achieve, as simple as it was.

"Moshi-moshi?" he answered weakly.

"Zuracci! Ahahaha, I though I'll never get through! You should invest in satellite phones! Can you imagine that you cannot make a direct call from Quadrant BX to Earth via this shitty network?" the voice at the other side was as enthusiastic as ever, despite the cracks and hisses on the line.

"Tatsuma" the relieve washed over him.

"So how are you doing, Zuracci-honey? Ahaha?" 

"Mhm..." he didn't manage to answer properly. Words tangled at his tongue, but didn't want to leave his mouth. There wasn't anything to talk about after all. He was fine now, he was supposed to be fine, dangers passed, bruises fading.

"You good? Is there something... " the voice got serious.

"Yeah, good..." he sighed.

"Listen, you know, I have a deal to make in Edo the next week, we could then..."

"No, you don't have. You said last time you won't be coming soon." he didn't know why, but his throat contracted.

"Oh, but you know, a rising opportunity, that's it. A good merchant never stick to his words. Besides-"

"You don't need to come if it's because  of... what you might heard about Joui, " he gulped.

"Oh, of course it is because of it. Because of YOU, to be specific!" he admitted blatantly." I do what I want and right now I want to visit some idiot on Earth. Ahaha." then in a loud whisper "Mutsu thinks I have a buyer for a 50 million yen bags, so I'd better find one till we reach Edo, do you think society is ready for this huge fashion innovation? " then normal, "Ahaha,  anyway she didn't give me enough money for shopping so we are running on the experimental fuel, ugh, the fumes are like from the deepest hell, and I think, ahaha, our engines are burning right now, ahaha. So I'll reach Earth no sooner than the next week, if you see a falling star and hear a big kaboom around that time, make a wish, that would be us!"

Tatsuma got carried away with the stories of his recent trade conquests, blabbing and laughing. His warm voice swathed Kotarou with familiarity and ease. Silly stories let him peep at the care-free world, and at the end it brought a small smile on his face.

 

The park was crowded, citizens used every moment of that time of the year to contemplate the nature and enjoy beautiful weather. Sitting at the bench and observing people became one of his usual "pastimes". It helped a little to ease his anxiety, getting mesmerized by idle scenes, besides he told himself that logically movement and fresh air were healthy for him and that was the closest thing to physical activity he could force himself into. The noises, the sun would eventually left him drained too, but as for now, it was good enough.

He caressed his hands, searching for a will to get up and walk away, staring at the ground before him as his senses had grown tired of the stimuli all around. He didn't notice him until a heavy lump flopped down beside him, invading his personal space.

"I got a feeling you've been avoiding us, Zura," the white-headed samurai swayed his lazy eyes on him.

"Gintoki... " he gave him a tired look and turned his head to stare on the ground again.

"Now, now, where is your 'I'm Katsura' squawk? mhm?" he said in a nagging tone, but casually put his arm around Kotarou's shoulders. They sat in silence, Sakata not demanding anything from him, just being there and emanating with firm calmness, with security. He noticed how his own muscles were slowly giving in to the warmth, to the closeness.

"You know, it's ok," Shiroyasha finally broke the silence.

"What is ok?"

"To feel like shit sometimes," the friend's body moved in a shrug.

 "Since when are you so philosophical?" Kotarou half-snorted to bring the usual bickering between them, but he was somehow sure Gintoki knew what he was talking about.

"And if you'd like, Otose needs extra help in her pub tonight, the next day she will cook us a real home-made dinner. Come, you could dress up as a crazy bartender, shake pina coladas in a havana shirt, or you can skip the work at all, sleep it over at our place and join for the dinner, mhm?"

"I don't think I'll be of much help and I don't want to be a bother."

"Oh, the old hag told me that she already took a liking to the certain stray black cat that followed me home the other day, well, she believes I actually brought him over. Anyway the furball can come and stay whenever he likes, she said."

"You don't own a cat, Gintoki."

"No? I was pretty sure I do, especially when every fricking time it turns out that the vacuum brush is clogged with long dark hairs. Oh, something like this!" he grabbed a lock of Katsura's hair and shoved it to the man's face. He received a soft elbow to the ribs in return. 

"Move, you're coming with me. It's gross when an adult man stares at the people in park all day. It would be shame if a top terrorist got arrested for that." he stood up and waited for the reluctant friend and then, seeing not much of a reaction, he grabbed him by the arm and pulled up.  "Ok,  I'll even buy you an ice-cream along the way, eh, I mean I'll add it to the sum you owe me for the last time, so let's go."

"Samurai shouldn't eat such soul-weakening food." he protested weakly, but let Sakata manoeuver him.

"Fine, then I'm eating two and you'll stare at me like a hungry child. "

 They ploughed through withered petals that covered the grass like a thick carpet. Trees already sprouted fresh leaves among the last most persistent flowers. Everything has it ends. Bad days, too, will pass eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, don't forget to comment (please <3 ) !


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